BTOpenzone and The Cloud. I do despair.

Having acquired a new MacBook Pro, I now feel the need to get jiggy and properly invest in a wi-fi account.  I’m not entirely sure what the motivation is — but I felt strangely drawn to the BT Openzone website.

They’ve got presence all over the place and I thought it might be about time that I finally got a BT Openzone account.  A proper one, not one of those temporary pass things.

I was up at the gym the other day and joined the sauna and interrupted two guys chatting about BT Openzone.  (You know BT Openzone has arrived into popular culture and general acceptance when the conversation at an Essex country club drifts to wireless internet themes and not Arsenal’s latest performance.)   The chaps in the sauna were raving about the fact you could drive up and sit outside any McDonalds and get a web connection.  I was, briefly, very impressed at the BT strategy.   You’ve got to be doing something write to get normal (‘non geek’) folk excited.

It’s my first Apple laptop so I thought I should do as all self respecting Apple Laptop Ponces do — and sit in Starbucks with my throbbing Apple logo displayed proudly.  For about 20 minutes.  Before the battery goes.  Heh.

So, ‘let’s get a BT Openzone account’, I thought.  I went over to the site already ‘sold’.  I was going to open an account.  I thought, maybe, I’d pick a £5 a month ‘anytime’ account — something like that.  I was expecting someting like £5 for 20 hours a month.  I dunno.  Something normal.

Baste me in sugar and call me Susan!  We’re still in the 1980s!   How does £6 an hour sound?
Or 20p a minute?   

I just don’t get it.  I really don’t.  What smart alec reckons that this is a good business model? 

How many times does someone have to yell GOOGLE at BT for them to kick into gear?  It seems that while they’re very, very good at making stuff work — so much so that normal people ‘rave’ about BT Openzone — clearly, this is only because their companies are stupid, repeat STUPID — to even consider paying the bill.

20p a minute?  Granted it’s not nearly as rubbash as 75p/min from T-Mobile.

So I’ve no idea what to do.  I strongly object to paying a tenner a month for 250 minutes usage of wireless internet.  I seriously object because I, and everyone else on the planet, knows that the model is ridiculous.  Absolutely ridiculous.

NO WONDER no one in their right mind uses this stuff.   No wonder whenever I’ve suggested it casually as a solution to a colleague’s short term internet issue, they look at me like I work for a telecoms company when I suggest BT Openzone.  I’d never looked at the prices in depth. 

What’s the solution?  What do the people in the know use? 

I just went to www.thecloud.co.uk to see what the ‘Cloud’ people were offering.  Mistake.  I absolutely abhore visiting a website like that and finding that the total idiot in charge of The Cloud hasn’t bothered to contact the domain owner and buy it, so that I don’t have to ponce about doing a google search.  Which I need to do now. 

You’d think someone with the balls to call their company, ‘The Cloud’, would have a better idea about how to do things.  Still… let’s forgive’em that for the time being…

Ah it’s www.thecloud.net — not even a .com, eh? 

Ah!! 

Unlimited Wireless internet, £11.99 a month.  THAT’s what I’m looking for! 

I really don’t know what is wrong with me.  First off I’m looking at the BT Openzone site and my heart rate is bouncing away off the scales and my eyes are popping out of my sockets in absolute annoyance that no one at BT seems to have a clue about attractive consumer pricing.  But then, that’s never been their forte has it?

And now I’m coming out in a cold sweat because The Cloud is clearly owned by a set of technical geeks with absolutely no concept  about how consumers interact with websites.

First off, they don’t own the standard UK domain.  Stupid.  Go and buy it.  The owner, cleverly, has a ‘enquire about this domain’ link.  Buy it.  You’re supposed to be consumer facing.

Second, click on their logo on the top left of the page and you’re sent to an ‘undefined’
link.  I mean, what the hell is this? Pre-school web design error?
Everyone and their dog knows that clicking a logo sends you HOME.  Fix
it!   I thought they were meant to be a serious organisation.

Third, they advertise wireless internet for £11.99 a month on their frontpage which, while it’s exactly what I want, the huge advert ISN’T CLICKABLE.  WHAT PLANET ARE YOU ON?  I want an account!  How do I get one?

Getting set up is easy. Contact our sales team at ultrawifi@thecloud.net

I am having kittens: Where the hell do I sign up?  I don’t want to talk to your sales team.  I want to setup an account.  Where is the flipping great ‘sign up here’ button? 

Right, that’s it.  Total WASTE of time.    I’ve spent 30 minutes fumbling about on BTOpenzone and The Cloud. 

Please can you enlighten me on what the best wifi solution is for the UK?  Have I missed something?  I hope so.  Tell me we’re not in the hands of BT and The Cloud?

Further, can you tell me how to sign-up?  Please go ahead and recommend away — either by email or here in the comments.