It is hosted by the lovely Ewan MacLeod and his trusted assistant [insert name of lovely assistant here]. Various board directors from each of the mobile operators are the Z list celebrity contestants.

Each week the shows host (Ewan) and his TV crew go round to the house of one of the directors for a house party, together with two dozen ‘randomnly’ selected members of the public (chosen from a broad spectrum of user types based on background, age, mobile usage, etc as selected by a market research agency). Each invitee will actually pay to be in the group (because it gives them a chance to also be a z list nobody!!).

The director must put on display his entire drinks cabinet, including any special wines he keeps down in the cellar. Being from a broad spectrum of the public, each of the invited guests will of course jump in and choose a different kind of drink. Some will drink slowly, others soft drinks only (as they are only 14yrs old). Some will go straight for the expensive wine. Others will raid his kitchen garden and start making their own rhubarb wine, others will spot the directors beer making kit and start making their own brew ready to sell to the public. One guy will start carrying cases of beer out to his car. Others will decide they don’t like the decor in the directors house and so want to go into the garden and start chatting to the neighbours. One will even want to leave the garden and go next door to get to know the neghbours daughter a bit better! A couple of the “guests” will start copying the directors cd’s onto their mp3 players and one will begin ripping his dvd’s. A few of the guests (the preferred word for the invitees even though they are paying to be there!!) will use the directors phone to call the tv production company to ask them what the rules are again; they will spend the length of the entire live broadcast on the phone waiting in a queue.

At any point during the live show the director is allowed one “joker” – a chance to change the rules (also known in the game as ‘the business model’); which might include blocking either the food, drink, music or dvd’s; or perhaps banning people going outside, or even charging them extra to talk to the neighbours.

If the director has had enough he may at any point shout “I’m a director of a mobile operator, close the garden gate”. He and his company are then out of the competition.

The competition continues each week until only one mobile operator is left. They are then bought out by “a large global media company” for £15bn. Each of the guests still standing* will be given a free handset (from last years range) with ‘unlimited usage’**.

steve

* with a zero alcohol/blood level
** subject to fair usage policy

oh for goodness sake, someone pension this guy off. Deloitte have just proven that they know bugger all about bugger all.

if I hear “the young people” again I will scweeam and scweeam…

steve

The industry again demonstrates how inept it is at delivering anything close to a good customer experience.

As Ewan is fond of saying – I wonder I really do wonder …………