I was talking to Peter from AQA (Any Question Answered) the other week and I asked him if he’d any examples of conversations between the AQA team and their customers. He sent me this rather amusing exchange which took place over five hours a few weeks ago.
USER: 09.19pm Is HMS Belfast firing her guns this week? Please
AQA: 10.23pm Sorry, AQA can’t find when HMS Belfast is firing her guns. Try contacting the ship services on 02074036246. It is part of the Imperial War Museum.
USER: 10.25pm Ok. Thanks for the advice
AQA: 10.25pm Thanks for using the AQA service. Some random trivia: 1 in 18 people has a 3rd nipple; 75kg of raw material go into the making of a mobile phone.
USER: 10.32pm I must be stronger than I thought. I reckon I could benchpress, ooh, THREE ‘phones . Not sure about nipples though
AQA: 10.34pm AQA is delighted to hear you could benchpress 3 phones. The future of the human race is in safe hands. A gorilla could benchpress 486kg.
USER: 10.40pm Not in my garage/gym. (a) no simians allowed (b) I couldn’t afford that many weights
AQA: 10.44pm AQA thinks you are right not to bench press in your garage or gym. Weights are very expensive. You should consider using the council gym.
USER: 10.54pm What? And have my pet Gorilla embarrass me in PUBLIC?
AQA: 10.59pm Fair enough, AQA wouldn’t want that. Try taking your gorilla to a private members gym and, for the utmost discretion, get an out of hours session.
USER: 11.09pm They wont sign him up. Doesn’t carry money, drops banana skins everywhere. Oh, and YOU try and get him in a Smart car
AQA: 11.11pm It is difficult to get gorillas into Smart cars. They are terribly aware of their reputation & the chimpanzees laugh at them. They are so cruel.
USER: 11.18pm You are more surreal than I am. Love it. “By the way, I don’t drop my banana skins.” ( My gorrilla )
AQA: 11.21pm Okay, your gorilla doesn’t drop banana skins, but he likes his grapes peeled, the skins of which are even more lethal (and less cliched).
USER: 11.31pm Now you’ve done it, calling him a cliche. He’s nicked the car after leaving a pound of squashed grapes at the top of the stairs
AQA: 11.35pm He just wants you to think he’s nicked the car. He’s actually parked it round the corner & is secretly filming you to see you slip on the grape skins.
USER: 11.40pm Your RIGHT! Not only the car but my camera’s gone as well. I’m going to buy a goldfish
AQA: 11.43pm AQA thinks that is a good idea as it will keep the gorilla company. You should called him Mustava. Random trivia: Hippo milk is pink.
USER: 11.50pm Thanks again. Now he’s filled the Smart with water, put the goldfish in it and told me it’s a German tank.
AQA: 11.57pm Got to hand it to him, he’s good. But what he doesn’t know is that the Smart’s budget engineering means it leaks like a sieve. Save your goldfish-quick!
06/05/08 USER: 12.01am Mustava leak then.
AQA: 12.13am AQA applauds your genius one-liner. Suggestions for employment: comedian; sea life related journalism; Clint Eastwood in ‘Every Which Way But Loose’.
USER: 12.24am The only person who laughs at me is the ex wife. The orangutan was female and I found Jacque Cousteau unable to pronounce sea lion. ” zee loin “
AQA: 12.35am AQA suggests you ditch the goldfish & set your gorilla up on a date with the female orangutan. AQA foresees you working in a vineyard, squashing grapes.
USER: 12.47am I think the gorilla/orangutan hybrid has been done. How else can you explain Wayne Rooney? As for grapes, my carpet is ruined and I’m at the bottom of the stairs with a broken leg, a soggy Smart and a camera wielding ape
AQA: 12.59am AQA hopes your gorilla was smarter than your car & captured all this for YouTube. AQA suggests you create a make-shift crutch from the banister rail.
USER: 01.11am Good suggestion. I could use one of his bananas as padding for my armpit. One drawback; the bannister is 14 feet long and he’s playing tunes on my saw. Pretty good though.
AQA: 01.19am Fear not, there’s a big market in primate rock beat combos. An A&R man will soon appear at your door. Claim to be his manager & take the limo to A&E.
USER: 01.32am He’s halfway through the theme tune to Doctor Who ( saw version ) and wont answer the door. I can’t get up. What now AQA?
AQA: 01.39am If your gorilla wants to make it in the industry he will need to make small sacrifices and open the door. AQA foresees ‘Doctor Who Saw…’ being #1.
USER: 01.50am No 1 sounds like a result. Maybe Simon Cowell will make “Britains got Primates” or reform the Monkeys or, better I just leave you in peace. G’night
AQA: 01.53am Simon Cowell is preparing his monkey themed put-downs already. The show is sure to be a massive hit. AQA hopes you sleep well and the gorilla is quiet.
