“No mom, you can’t have a free phone.” The perils of working for a mobile manufacturer.

I’d like to introduce you to the first of the new MIR 3.0 columnists, Surya Nair.

Surya is in her mid-twenties and always has a particularly interesting take on the mobile industry. If you’re not following her on Twitter, I recommend you do (username: @suryasnair). Surya was born in South India’s Kerala region and got her first handset (a Nokia 6110) when she completed her degree in Engineering. Yup, no ‘politics’ or ‘media studies’ here. *Engineering*. Surya is a veritable java, mainframe, SQL and mobile handset genius. In her time she’s enjoyed the Nokia 9300i (me too), the E90 (nice), the N82 (lovely camera) and currently, she’s sporting the Nokia N97. So whilst you might paint her as a mobile geek-head, hold there a moment. For some reason, she stopped everything and took an MBA in Human Resources — before joining a large European mobile player. That means she not only avoids the ‘marriage question’ (foremost on the minds of most mothers, even worse, I gather, with Indian mothers) but she is also assured of a ready supply of new gizmos to play with. In terms of applications she’s a regular user of the N97 integrated Facebook app, the Sports Tracker app, SP Brain Evaluation, and, “Of course, Gravity for Twitter”.

This all makes for a rather interesting columnist. Time then for part 1 of Surya’s contributions here at Mobile Industry Review.

Over to you, Surya.

Ewan

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Mobile phones.

I could write a book about them.

More specifically, I could write a book about how mobile phones lead to some of the most interesting stories I have told to my friends. Like the time when I was recruited by a mobile company to do HR work for them in 2006.

Getting a job, with an MNC, while you are still technically studying in campus, is kind of a big deal in India. So naturally, many people grilled me about getting the job. However, the only query by some of the extended family members was “So! When am I getting my *insert the costliest/jazziest mobile phone in India circa 2006 here* ?”

No “Congratulations! We are glad you got the job!”

No “You must be very excited. All the best! ”

Or any of their variations.

At first, I shrugged the questions off. After all, these are the same people who told my parents to get me married off when I was eighteen. They surely must be joking, right?

Apparently, not so. A few days after I went home to spend the two months before I start working, the visitors to my home were getting more and more insistent on their demands for a new phone, and in true bargaining fashion, were willing to bring their demands for a high end phone to a mid range one. The conversation usually went like this:

They: “Dont you remember me?”

Me: “Honestly? No.”

They: “Haha! You big humorist! Haha!!!”

Me: “Eh…”

They: “So, when am I getting my new phone?”

Me: “…..????”

They: “I want the one which SRK was using in this movie! Or Hritik Roshan in another!”

Me: “Erm.. I do not work for all of these companies together…”

They: “Oh.. never mind… just get us whatever phone you are getting your mom!”

If this being played over and over during your vacation days is not mind numbing enough, consider this:

My mother, like any proud Indian mother, decided that me getting this job means I get an unlimited, free supply of mobile phones. Apparently I can simply pluck them from the air. So she spends her time with me trying to force me to get married (“But you have a job! And we know of many nice boys!!”) or trying to get me to provide free mobile phones to at least fifty of her relatives who I either do not know or do not like.

One day in exasperation, I asked my mother, “But mom! You don’t even like those people.. why do you want me to give them mobile phones?”

“So that I can gloat over them.”

No, she did not reply in such succinct manner, but the hemming and hawing laced with dialogues which would have fitted right into your average cable TV soap operas convinced me of that much.

Her logic was simple. You have to give them something, because their kids, who work for Cadburys, gifted us with a chocolate box when they got their jobs. The quid pro quo logic made sense to mom, but for me… it just rendered me speechless.

Then inspiration struck.

“They want me to buy them the same phone I will be getting you, right mom?”

“Yes. So?”

“So I am not getting you a handset. Problem solved.”

Needless to say, they next few days would have made for good reality TV. Mother was not impressed. But at the end of summer, I went off to work.

When I went home for holidays, I was cornered again by a few of those leeching relatives.

They: “So, what did you get us? Which phone? ”

Me: “Remember you told me to get the same phone I am getting my mom?”

They: “Yes. Aaaand..?”

Me: “I am never going to get her any. So don’t think like your are going to get one from me too. Sorry.”

They: “…….”

It was extremely satisfying to see them at a loss for words for once.

To set the record clear that I do not incur the wrath of the older generation who believes in filial obedience, I did by my parents a lot of non mobile related stuff over the years. But I will not be even gifting them a second hand one, as long as my parents, and the extended family, remain convinced that I can carry sack loads of mobile phones home.

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I do feel for your mother, Surya — although, a mobile handset is quite a few leagues above a few chocolate bars! Well done for standing your ground. Here’s a question: Would your parents/friends/family be content at being gifted a £14 Motorola RAZR? Or do they demand top-of-the-range?

[If you’d like to become a MIR 3.0 columnist, drop me a note, I’m ewan@mobileindustryreview.com.]