I did my best to ignore page 12 of today’s Evening Standard. But I just couldn’t. Normally I’d just sigh and turn the page. Not today. Not when I’ve been doing all kinds of briefings with some mobile industry greats describing how they’re working closely with mobile operators to help them push their innovation beyond today’s perceived limitations.Only this morning I was talking to Acision’s man in APAC, Nathan Bell (VP Operations & Channels). He was telling me about how operators in Asia are increasingly changing the value proposition for their services and getting away from, frankly, selling commodity. For example: Quality of experience and class of service. One survey he quoted astonished one operator after they found their customers would pay more for a better data service. More on that soon — I will have the interview written up shortly. Which brings me to today’s abomination. Here we have T-Mobile seeking to differentiate precisely the same offering as every other operator in the UK. The iPhone is already amongst the most controlled product set in the market so there’s limited scope to change the specific offer parameters that Apple dictate. So they’ve decided to give you the option to change your bollocks booster. Lovely. Would you like unlimited texts this month? Or ‘inclusive’ landline calls? Or ‘in network inclusive’ calls? Is that turning you on? Has that got you running for the nearest T-Mobile store? No. ‘Fsck no!’ as they say in the movies. At the very least this will have one or two Londoners heading to T-Mobile instead of Orange this weekend. I feel for the product and marketing chaps at T-Mobile who have had to dump this one out into the market. I’m in dream mode now. Here are some advertising messages I’d really like to see: – At T-Mobile, we’ve prioritised our iPhone traffic so Facebook will load 28% faster than Vodafone, Orange or o2 customers with the same phone. – At T-Mobile, we’ve peered directly with top sites like Google, Facebook and Yahoo. So your smartphone accesses those sites roughly 2-seconds faster than anyone else. – At T-Mobile, we’ve upgraded our network with Nokia Siemens Networks cellular technology that, on average, will keep your iPhone’s battery working 19% longer every day. – At T-Mobile, if you put more than four devices on our network and spend over 100 pounds per month, all your UK calls are free. Everything. 0800, 0845, everything. For as long as you like. – At T-Mobile, we’ve implemented data traffic shaping. That’s a complex way of saying your Youtube clips load faster and in guaranteed higher quality than any other UK network. – At T-Mobile, we’ve implemented a special priority data access plan for our most enthusiastic data customers: £29 per month gets you priority access on every one of our cell sites. So you’ll always be first. – At T-Mobile, we’ve worked heavily to protect your privacy whilst online. Use our network and we’ll guarantee you’ll never be a victim of domain spoofing. Further more, if you buy or £2.99 option, we’ll also automatically firewall every mobile data connection you initiate. Which means you’ll be safer online. – At T-Mobile, we worry about the fundamentals: We have 28 people working 24/7 to make sure you will consistently get a better quality mobile phone signal, every time. No other network offers [some technology] to ensure your phone calls stay live. Which is why we’ll re-fund your basic service plan fee if you experience a dropped call in any given month that was caused by our own equipment (and not the sub-standard technology of our competitors — tunnels permitting) – At T-Mobile, we’ve partnered with every leading venue, railway station and shopping mall to ensure you experience 100% connectivity when you need it most. Want more? Just £3 per month will ensure your calls are prioritised above our standard traffic. So you’ll never, ever see ‘network busy’ again. – At T-Mobile, we’ve done a deal to put a satellite-connected transmitter/Femtocell on every train in the UK. You’ll always be connected. – At T-Mobile, if you lose/damage your iPhone, we’ll replace it within 8 hours anywhere in the UK, completely free of charge. Provided you commit to a four year on-going service fee. And the next iPhone (5) will be free too. In fact if you commit to an on-going 5-year deal, every phone you’d like will be free of charge and you’ll qualify for a new one every year. – At T-Mobile, we’ve configured our network so that if you have 3+ phones with us, you’ll be able to use the same number on each one. For calls and texts. Absolutely transparently. No one else in the UK can do this. – At T-Mobile, we guarantee we have the fastest possible data connection to the internet. We have 12x 1 gigabyte connections into our four UK data centres. That’s five more than our leading competitor. Click here to see our live traffic register. We’re the UK’s biggest purchaser of bandwidth. No one, absolutely no one, is faster. (This would have me reaching for my wallet in milliseconds). – At T-Mobile, we’ve integrated everything into one single point-and-click interface online. Everything. Geek? Good: You can do your own service provisioning right from our online control panel. – At T-Mobile, we are always open. No questions. 24/7. Call us anytime and get us online via chat whenever you want. Period. We’re here to help. And then finally… – At T-Mobile, we understand that some customers require an extra level of flexibility, which is why we’re introducing the TMOGOLD service. Membership costs £1k to join and runs at a minimum of £150 per month for 3 years. Subscribers get all roaming costs (data and voice) waived. UK calls and texts are entirely free of charge. Data access is prioritised for all devices on the service plan. And you will have complete access to all of our ranged devices. Browse our catalogue of devices online for next day deliver. You may hold 2 devices at any time and change them as you wish. So you might have an iPhone for the full 3 years or change your phone(s) every month. You choose. If only. Do you think we will see any of this kind of innovation at some point? Feel free to poke holes by the way — and please do suggest your own innovations. What would you like to see?