I kid ye not.

3 has demanded that it’s customers (potential and current) must adopt a service level prior to commencing their shopping experience.

Don’t you dare wear a Gap hoodie if you’re thinking of heading by the 3 store on Baker Street, London. There’s a big horrible sign on the window, A4 white paper, typed in ARIAL CAPS explaining that:

“ALL HOODS TO BE REMOVED
WHILE ON PREMISES,
REFUSAL TO COMPLY WILL RESULT IN PERSON/S BEING
ASKED TO LEAVE PREMISES.
THANK YOU”

The sign is ostensibly aimed at the culture of ‘hoodies’ that’s apparently rife in the UK, particularly if you’re a Daily Mail reader.

If you’re not familiar with the term, Wikipedia has a brief overview:

In the UK, hoodies have been the subject of much criticism; some shoplifters have used the hood to conceal their identities from CCTV cameras in shopping centres.[3] Particularly when worn with a baseball cap, the hoodie has become a trademark of “chavs”; it has been called the “chav-style” in an Oxfam report

I wonder what the underlying message here is? What exactly can you steal from a shop where every handset on display is either plastic or bolted to the floor?

Or is it perhaps intimidating for staff having a load of moody teenagers cluster in the store, all wearing hoodies? I can understand that. But putting up a sign is hardly likely to solve that, is it?

Perhaps it’s hugely effective.

Although if you’re going to start putting up signs, you might as well demand everyone signs terms & conditions of attire — actually, why not demand a higher service level from all customers?

Here are my suggestions:

1. No hoodies.
2. No jiggly bangles that make an unnecessary noise of distraction when you move your wrists
3. No large earings. If in doubt as to the definition or scope of ‘large’, please call ahead — ideally with your 3 video phone — to obtain permission from the store manager.
4. No work clothes.
5. No football or sports colours.
6. No spectacles, four-eyes. Get them lasered or get some contact lenses.
7. No t-shirts. We’re not a holiday camp. We’re a professional mobile company. Likewise, no jeans. And NO torn jeans, either. No shorts.
8. No short-sleve shirts. You might think they’re cool but they’re not. Double cuff only, please. No comical shite cuff links either.
9. No funny ties. All ties to be one or two tone.
10. Absolutely NO Simpsons or Disney socks.
11. No umbrellas. Bad luck, innit.
12. No gum. No food. No McDonalds meals.
13. Absolutely no Vodafone customers.
14. Staff have been issued shoot-to-kill orders for anyone bearing a mobile phone in a ‘holster’.
15. No mobile handsets older than 2 years.
16. No smoking.
17. No burping, spitting or defecating within the store. If you feel you may need to pass wind, please exit the store to a distance of not less than 10m, prior to releasing said wind.
18. No dirty people. Please make sure you have showered at least 60 minutes prior to entering the 3 store. Clean underwear please. Staff will be checking.
19. None of those ‘My friend went to London and all I got was this lousy T-shirt’ rubbish.
20. Or those ‘FCUK tshirts’. They were cool in 2001. Not any more.
21. No manbags.
22. No handbags retailing for less than 200 pounds. Definitely no fakes.
23. No 3 customers wanting to upgrade. Push off an call Customer Services later.
24. All leather shoes must be polished to a visible shine.
25. Absolutely NO white Rebook Classics.
26. Nike Shox are fine, provided you didn’t buy them on eBay.
27. No skin. No stomachs on show please. NB, especially if you’re a man.
28. All belts must be removed for security purposes.
29. (See also 12) No liquids greater than 100ml. All liquids, medicines and makeup must be carried in a clear, unmarked plastic (biodegradable) bag.
30. No sweaty people.