Everywhere I walk, there are all kinds of Motorolas, Samsungs, Sanyos and … well, let’s group them under the term ‘shitphones’.

Each time I see someone sporting one of these devices, I little mobile fairy snuffs it, I’m sure of it.

I took a walk around San Francisco yesterday. A big long stroll along Columbus. I stopped for lunch at one of the restaurants there, sat in the glorious sun, then headed along North Beach to Fisherman’s Wharf and finally back through Nob Hill to the Fairmont Hotel for a very boring sparkling mineral water.

Can’t be living it up when I’ve got back-to-back meetings coming soon.

It was one of the most depressing yet enlightening walks I’ve done in a while.

Sat at the restaurant, I was surrounded by folk with their cheap-as-chips and equally shite Motorolas out on the table, next to their food, proudly displayed.

I felt like reaching over, grabbing the phones and slamming them into the pavement.

Now and again people would call — or, shock — text each other. And they’d check the time. On their transparent mirrored Motorola screen that — and you can tell from the shine in their eyes — they think is just the BEST THING.

You get the impression that the only other feature that would send these people into mobile-uptopia is the addition of an aerial to the handset.

It’s terminally depressing walking about seeing young folk poncing about with rubbish handsets. You know that they can only text each other. Or call. And that’s it. They might, once in a blue moon, try sending a picture message. But the experience of sending a 50×50 pixel image to a friend doesn’t generally resonate with many. How hugely boring. How limiting. How… functional.

That’s the issue with most folk in the States — and the mobile marketplace. It’s all about function. And the 24 month contract.

Yet there are some glimmers of hope. I see iPhones everywhere. First generation and second. I see lots of people showing photo albums to each other whilst they’re sat in the park, thanks to the iPhone.

And the age ranges I’m seeing are massively variable. Only this morning I was in a diner having a fairly OK omlette when this old chap across the way flipped out his iPhone and showed the waitress a picture of his granddaughter.

I’m seeing lots of advanced mobilistas walking around the place. Connecting with each other continually thanks to their iPhones. And I’m seeing the normobs with their shitphones, nonethewiser.

I think I need to go to Montana. Or Boise. Or somewhere-in-the-middle-of-nowhere and see how they’re using their phones there.

In the meantime, I am working hard to avoid slapping anyone I see wearing their phone on a belt-holster.