If you can’t beat them — that is, get annoyed at the ludicrous nature of follower obsession — join them.

Who made money in the gold rush? The hundreds of thousands of folk who went to find gold? Or the people who sold’em spades?

Enter my new business.

I will sell you 1,000 followers for $99 on-off fee. Payable by PayPal.

You won’t get 1,000 added to your list in 20 seconds. Oh no. That would look suspect.

Instead we’re going to automate the following process over 2 weeks. You’ll get 15 joins in the space of two minutes.

And then you’ll see join notifications come in every 20-45 minutes until you’ve got a glorious 1,000 new followers.

But don’t worry, each of the accounts that will follow you has it’s own picture, biography and publishes one or two updates per week. They’re all given genuine names so that if I look down your follow list, I’d never know you’d bought 1,000 of them.

If you’d like to upgrade your account to ‘GOLD’ status — that’s $100 a month — every follower will click on any links you provide in your Tweets. For a one-time $500 fee, we will also provide you with 250 extra Facebook friends and 200 LinkedIn contacts.

Further, on a random basis, a random number of your 1,000 followers (between 56 and 367) will retweet your Tweets to their followers. Helping boost you up the charts and make anyone following you think you’ve got a massive, massive cock.

We’ll be launching soon.

Not quite.

I’m just working on the messaging now:

Are you rubbish? Do you have only 200 followers or less?
Do your friends look at you in the gym and think, ‘what a shit number of followers he’s got?’

Well, no longer. Not with our new patented TwitFollowGrow service. YOURS for just $99.

But order now.

Supplies are limited!

You and I both know that if I actually did this, I’d make a ton of money. How many PR firms, social media experts and bloggers would take one look at this offer and get their PayPal details out?

Tons. Tons. Tons.