Is it still more difficult to get a mortgage than a Vodafone UK account?

A friend of mine was talking to me today. He’s trying to get a Vodafone UK £16/month contract.

But he’s being declined by their credit department. This is despite having a sensible credit record. He’s at a total loss.

He just doesn’t want to be with any other provider.

I don’t blame him. I really do enjoy my Vodafone service (particularly since they were quite content to allow me to go from spending 500 quid a month to 100 a month!).

It gets better, though, this strange situation.

He needs a guarantor.

A sodding guarantor.

Can you BELIEVE that?

Billion dollar Vodafone won’t give him a £16/month sim-only contract account without a guarantor. He’s not a criminal. He’s not been blacklisted, bankrupt — any of the usual issues.

He’s perfectly fine with the other networks. Just not Vodafone. There’s no history, nothing.

It’s just their credit system/policy.

So today he asked if I’d act as guarantor for him.

I agreed.

Now, because of this, I have to wait for somebody to call me tomorrow evening.

How ridiculous is this? The chap’s going to call me and take fifteen quid from me. To prove I’m real. Or something. And my friend is going to give me the cash.

I can’t quite believe we’re operating in the 21st Century.

What’s next? Debtor’s prison?

Will I need to hand over the deeds to my house to a trusted third party verified and approved by Vodafone before I can become guarantor, I wonder?

Based on £16/month for 18 months (£288), does that mean that I will need to prove that I have liquid assets to the value of £288,000 just in case my friend runs up a reaaaaally large fair-use-policy data bill?

Will I be required to make a deposit of half a million pounds sterling in my lawyer’s account so that we can process the transaction tomorrow evening?

This is getting absolutely fucking stupid, Vodafone.

I advised my friend to get an Orange account. He’s not that keen. He wants Vodafone. I see why but I think he’s off his head.

My suggestion is to stuff Vodafone. They clearly don’t need or want the business.

Absolutely ridiculous.

He asked if those nice ‘Vodafone eForum chaps’ that I keep on going on about will be able to help.

I doubt it.

The credit system at Vodafone is absolutely ruthless. I know myself after a disagreement with them years ago. It took me about a year before they’d let me back in the door.

This was, of course, when Vodafone UK was either the market leader or, between friends, within spitting distance of being the market leader.

After Orange’s recent acquisition of T-Mobile, Vodafone is in the exceedingly embarrassing position of being — read it and weep — THIRD largest in it’s home country. (Provided my memory is accurate, I’m sure it goes: T-Mobile/Orange, o2, Vodafone, 3UK).

And they’ll sit in that place as long as they continue with weird and wonderful credit policies.

The more I think about it, the more I reckon my friend should get a PAYG account and use it for unlimited data and swap to the market leader (Orange!).

Who’d have thought Orange would be the UK market leader, eh?