Vodafone’s recruiting for it’s Online Business Unit

Got this from the Netimperative newsletter. There’s a little ad on the right hand of the newsletter containing this text:

At Vodafone we’re about to launch a brand new Online Business Unit that will turn this area of our business into a market-leading star. The plans and backing are all in place.

Now, we’re on the search for a team of experts to propel the project forwards.

But don’t take our word for it – hear more from the internet itself at www.vodafone.co.uk/webspeak

Could be good, especially if you’re on the hunt for a new project yourself.

Here’s what they’re looking for:

Strategy Development and Finance Governance
Here, you’ll use your financial expertise to support the management team in monitoring our performance and making sure the whole team meet and beat financial targets. You’ll work with plans and budgets and influence business cases.

Commercial Development
Giving deal support to OBU, you’ll forge commercial relationships and open up new revenue streams. You’ll also oversee our existing third-party partnerships and future deals to ensure we keep to the letter of the law and further our business vision.

Portal
Driving the strategic direction of co.uk to ensure Vodafone delivers a continuous, industry leading Portal experience to customers. You’ll be as switched on as I am – providing customers with choice and a really fantastic journey so that all their needs are met speedily and efficiently.

Pricing Analysis and Propositions
You’ll be our champion of pricing best practice and support the OBU research team models by designing new pricing plans for initiatives including tariffs, new product pricing and online services.

Online Marketing
Taking ownership, you’ll manage the delivery of KPIs that ensure our commercial and strategic objectives are achieved.

Online Marketing (Planning)
Setting and tracking marketing targets, you’ll make sure OBU delivers value across the company. That will involve designing the best possible marketing strategy and ensuring delivery against the plan.

Product Management
It will be up to you to make sure we don’t just meet customer needs; we surprise them with products and services that nobody else in the market place can offer. You’ll make sure that together, we implement Vodafone’s plans smoothly and build a stable platform for future developments.

Very exciting.

Check out this page here for the introduction and more details. You’ll also notice an EXCEEDINGLY lame piece of introduction text — “Hello, it’s me, the internet”

It’s written as though it’s the internet talking to you. For a moment I was elated — I thought perhaps the Managing Director of the Online Business Unit might have stuck his/her head above the parapet and posted the introduction. A demonstration of independent thought, perhaps.

But no.

Some marketing chappy has knocked it up as though the ‘internet’ is writing to you.

They say my head’s in the clouds. That I’m a dreamer. That the things I talk about just can’t be done. Well, what do they know? Pleased to meet you, I’m the internet, and I know that with unbridled enthusiasm we can achieve anything we set our minds to.

Well that’s a load of shit, isn’t it.

After all, I’m working with the world’s leading telecommunications company. Vodafone does the extraordinary every day. And now it’s my time to shine.

Do they write this stuff just to WIND ME UP?

The internet IS NOT WORKING with the world’s leading telecoms company.

The world’s leading telecoms company is steadfastly avoiding the internet — that is — DATA. Vodafone’s fine if you want to visit eBay Mobile. Or check the news on BBC News mobile.

But piss off. Piss RIGHT off if you’d like to upload a photo via ShoZu. That’ll be four pounds per 1mb photo, please. Yes, you thought you’d bought the 120mb data pack. No. That’s the 120mb ‘web’ pack. There’s a difference. Stay in the Vodafone zoo and you can use up your 120mb normally. Head out to the internet and it’s an entirely different and hugely expensive cost. Hardly right, then, to have the internet writing to you, is it?

Total rubbish. Next, have a read of this delightful prose:

I’ve always worked hard. I’ve always felt valued. But now that people are spending more and more time online, it’s crucial to our commercial vision that I step up and become the site of choice in mobile telecommunications.

Oh please.

PLEASE stop.

“Become the site of choice in mobile communications?”

Tell me now that Vodafone isn’t trying to create yet another on-deck-but-online homepage? I hope not…………..

So I’m looking for experts in Strategy and Business Planning, Marketing, Portal and Product Management to take the lead in a totally new Online Business Unit in Newbury. A broader team who can give me more than a facelift. Who will create a hub where people try and buy the latest products and services, pay bills, network and, well, do anything we put our minds to.

Give me “more than a facelift?”

Geez, yes. It’s a hub. Oh dear.

You never know, perhaps it will all change. Maybe they’ll extend unlimited web to mean unlimited data too.

We want you to think big. We want you to think bravely. And create your own piece of history by leaving your mark on me and making sure I become the market leader.

I’m

ok

Speechless.

Here’s hoping this Online Business Unit is actually going to do some interesting and exciting things. Stay positive, MacLeod!